Best man’s speech written for Darren and Jane’s wedding, read by best man Gary.

Darren’s my great mate and I’m proud to be,

His best man today so that you all can see,

How special a bloke is, a one of a kind,

What he has got up to it’s my job to remind…

He hasn’t always been respectable and good,

He thought he was living his youth in ‘the hood’.

I’m here to tell you a few little things,

Jane close your ears, avoid the screams it may bring.

Daz always thought he was a hit with the lasses,

The ones that he pulled, well let’s say they wore glasses.

I’d have the cute one, with the sexy smile,

Any of the fit ones they’d run a mile.

As for being able to hold his drink,

Well put it this way, of vomit he’d stink.

One time at Ben’s Bar he had one beer too much,

Thought he was Rambo and not a friendly touch,

Decided to pick on the big bloke with tattoos,

We tried to stop him, he was bound to lose.

The fellar just punched him, his lights all went out,

Coming round slurring, ’What’s that all about?’

Taking him to A&E to get him checked over,

Swearing at the nurse so that it drove her,

To call the police, ending up in the cell,

Only one daft tale that I have to tell.

Another time he thought it might be a laugh,

To jump from a bridge, that idea was naff.

The river was too shallow, broken bones he did get,

Staggering out, nearly drowning and wet.

Back to the hospital for another trip,

Broken ankle and dislocated hip.

Wrapped up with bandages and bruised everywhere,

You think he’d think twice before another dare.

You have to be kidding, Mark challenged him to one,

‘Go over there and grab that girl’s bum.’

Being an idiot, that’s just what he did,

Simply not seeing she’s with a massive kid.

Thumped in the face and knocked out again,

‘Ooing’ and ‘Owing’ in such terrible pain.

One day he thought nicking a bike would be fun,

Big bloke saw him so he had to run,

His little legs pumping and smelling of fear,

Looking back to see that the bloke’s getting near.

So he stopped to say sorry, admit it instead,

Thinking it’s better than ending up dead.

Bad decision, he should have kept going,

This bad mother wasn’t into sewing.

Back on the deck, unconscious once more,

He surely loves just hitting that floor.

Then he met Jane, who he had to chase,

Miles too good for him, we all have to face.

She eventually gave in and went on a date,

Turns out that he was part of her fate.

Daft lad he is, he won her heart over,

Luckiest bloke from this side of Dover.

Well now it’s emotional, even the cake is in tears,

Let’s all raise our glasses and hear some cheers.

To Matthew and Jane, a fabulous match,

Can’t quite believe he’s got such a catch.

Thanks to the bridesmaids and all of the guests,

Get on the dancefloor with your music requests.

Matt you keep steady and don’t you get pissed,

No trips to doctors, you get the gist?

Here’s to the lovely couple right here,

That’s all from me, now I’m off for a beer!!

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